I recently wrote an E-mail
trolling The Onion
editorial staff. If you want to read the entire post, you are welcome to go
here. Otherwise, I've included the trolling letter in quotes. The basic idea was that
The Onion has such a reputation for ignoring their E-mail, especially from wanna be writers that I figured that instead of trying to write from them, I'd just have fun with them sending silly E-mails. Here's what I wrote last time:
Subject:I'm legally required to tell you that my dead uncle wants to give you money
To the Editorial Staff of The Onion:
Greetings, my name is Harry Wong, and I am well aware of your reputation of not reading your E-mails, due to the high volume of junk mail and resumes. In fact, I am counting on this.
You see, recently, my late uncle Ted Albatross passed to the other side in the middle of reading your article, "Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims". He laughed so hard that he had a heart attack and died in his favorite lazyboy. My uncle Ted was quite well off, but nothing gave him more pleasure than opening up one of his many Onion anthologies or going online and reading one of your articles. He was so much a fan of your publication that he decided to leave all of his worldly possessions, including his Ford Coupe and mail-order bride, TinaLisa, to be divided among your on-staff writing team.
Fortunately for me, if the money is not accepted in two weeks, there is a clause that states the money instead will go to the executor of his estate (me).
I am quite confident that you will be far too busy driving around in your fancy Roles Royces and looking at your pretty Rolex watches to notice this single humble little E-mail, so I want to thank you in advance for your generous donation to the me fund. You have two weeks from today to reply to this.
Psh, good luck.
Sincerely,
Harry Wong (future millionaire)
P.S. That Jackie Harvey guy just cracks me up.
Two weeks have come and gone with no response, so it's now time to write them another E-mail! First, let's address this whole, "me being rich" issue.
To the Editorial Staff of The Onion:
I just wanted to thank you all again for your great generosity regarding my late uncle Albatross. You are all truly kind and/or neglectful individuals to allow a humble person like me to have all of that money even though he offered it to you. Already I have taken the Coupe out for many a joyride, and I had my dentist replace my teeth with diamonds. They're pretty awesome, except for when I bite my lip. Albatross's late mail order wife, TinaLisa, has been pleasuring me once a week per her contractual obligations, although I have to say she really doesn't seem to enjoy it. I believe that she was a little disappointed that she didn't have the opportunity to pleasure any of you, as she too is a great fan of The Onion. In retrospect, I think that's why uncle Albatross chose her. I can assure you his choice had nothing to do with anything "performance" related. She has all of the skill of a wet noodle. Still, normal, non-onion editors would probably be jealous, so props to you all on your self control.
And now let's talk about something else that The Onion hates. Applications. They hate it when people send their editorial staff resumes and writing samples...so...let's do that. But it has to be absurd to make it stand out. Bear wrestling will do.
I confess that the thank-you is not my only reason for writing you. I saw that you have a bear-wrestling position posted on your site, and they said to apply here. I am skilled in multiple types of bear wrestling, including grizzly, black, and panda. I have also eaten teddy grahams on multiple occasions, so I'm certain that you will see that I am highly qualified. I find it hard to believe that you would have a need for bear wrestlers, but then I'm not one to argue with your site.
I'm sure you find it strange that I'm applying for a job here when I just received a major windfall. Unfortunately, as of the time of this writing, I have all but lost the money, except for the diamond teeth, which I'd rather die than lose. You see, I am a bit of a compulsive gambler, and I bet everything I had against my friend Mitch that he couldn't shoot heroin directly into his eye. The sonofabitch pulled it off, and then promptly OD'ed. Now, neither of us have anything, as the money he won from me was directly used to pay for his doctor bills. He is now blind in one eye and paraplegic, but none of that matters because the bastard won the bet. He wasn't supposed to take me up on it, the stupid idiot.
Anyhoo, if you could help me out with that bear-wrestling position, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm perfectly qualified, really hard up on cash now, and I know how to put on a real show, just in case the reason for the show is that you are all bored around your office. I have enclosed a sample of my bear wrestling resume as well for your further consideration. You can consider this letter your cover letter. Thank-you for your time, consideration, and money.
Sincerely,
Harry Wong (ex millionaire)
Enclosure
Stay tuned next time to see my "resume", and in the mean time, feel free to continue E-mailing The Onion about their bear wrestling position at this address: editorial@theonion.com
