Now for something completely different - Trolling the Onion Editorial Staff, Part 1

As you may or may not be aware, it is impossible to get a job as a writer for The Onion. For those of you even considering it, forget about it. Not going to happen. All resumes and cover letters are insta-trashed. The staff writers there are like sith, when one leaves, another immediately fills the void, and the writers who do step in have SHIT TONS of experience.

Due to my amateurish skills at satire, and tiny itty bitty puny resume, I decided I wasn't going to try to get a job writing for The Onion. I decided instead to do the next best thing: troll them. It's been said before that you don't kid a kidder, so I may experience some extreme backlash for this. I might be out-satired. But gosh darn it! I had to, man! I had to! I've decided to write some E-mails playing up to the fact that the onion never responds to it's readership. For one thing, I want to know if they do actually read their vast amounts of E-mail, and I also wanted to know how people with an incredibly well honed, piercing sense of humor respond to the bizarre. Chances are, they'll just ignore the E-mails, but I'm counting on that.

Here's the first E-mail I sent to them, and I'll post an update in about two weeks.


Subject:I'm legally required to tell you that my dead uncle wants to give you money

To the Editorial Staff of The Onion:

Greetings, my name is Harry Wong, and I am well aware of your reputation of not reading your E-mails, due to the high volume of junk mail and resumes. In fact, I am counting on this.

You see, recently, my late uncle Ted Albatross passed to the other side in the middle of reading your article, "Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims". He laughed so hard that he had a heart attack and died in his favorite lazyboy. My uncle Ted was quite well off, but nothing gave him more pleasure than opening up one of his many Onion anthologies or going online and reading one of your articles. He was so much a fan of your publication that he decided to leave all of his worldly possessions, including his Ford Coupe and mail-order bride, TinaLisa, to be divided among your on-staff writing team.

Fortunately for me, if the money is not accepted in two weeks, there is a clause that states the money instead will go to the executor of his estate (me).

I am quite confident that you will be far too busy driving around in your fancy Roles Royces and looking at your pretty Rolex watches to notice this single humble little E-mail, so I want to thank you in advance for your generous donation to the me fund. You have two weeks from today to reply to this.

Psh, good luck.

Sincerely,


Harry Wong (future millionaire)


P.S. That Jackie Harvey guy just cracks me up.