"She's a cool girl,"
You think to yourself.
"Don't mess this up."
Her name is Chanley Wiles, and she is the most beautiful girl on the planet. You are lucky, because today she has chosen to eat lunch with you at one of those Japanese cook-it-in-front-of-you Shogun restaurant thingies. Too bad your left hand has its own plans. Just like Dr. Strangelove, you find yourself trying not to look crazy while your hand does absurd things you can't prevent.
"Hello,"
you say.
"Hi."
She beams a radiant smile directly into your soul. You know this is your dream girl. In an awkward moment, you reach over to shake her hand with your normal, working hand. She leans in for a formal hug instead. She turns to the hostess.
SLAP.
"What was that?" She turns around and asks with interested, fawn-like eyes.
"Oh nothing," you say. "Just thought a fly landed on me."
Your host stares for a moment at the red mark on your face and then leads you both to the grill. When nobody is looking, your left hand gives you an urple nurple. You clench your teeth and hold in your painful yelp. For a good 15 seconds the hand twists harder and harder. Finally, your hand releases and walks Yellow Pages style down your leg.
The guy in front of you begins to do all kinds of neat tricks with your food. He throws cups in his hat. He tosses shrimp to the guy at the grill next to him. Meanwhile, you and your sweetie enjoy your conversation.
"So what kind of movies do you like?"
She replies with some interesting choices, Little Miss Sunshine, PI, and she also talked about a recent movie where everyone went blind.
"How about yourself?"
You express to her your appreciation for Tarantino films, and The Last Unicorn. You almost transition into Mystery Science Theatre when you find that she's not listening you anymore. She's distracted.
Sure enough, your left hand is doing a little thing where it clicks and points at people, then begins making a wavy motion before flipping off your cook. Finally, you dump water on yourself.
"That's it."
you think.
"I've made a spectacle of yourself. It's time to tell Chanley the truth."
You look straight into her pure eyes, holding down your other arm as it attempts to strangle you.
"Look,"
you say.
"I know this looks weird, but I have a medical condition caused by brain damage. I am unable to control anything my left hand does."
At first she has a surprised, uncertain look in her eyes. Then, seeing the dread hanging on your forehead, she leans in, whispers
"I understand."
and rests her head on the nape of your neck.
That's when you touch her bosom. She stands up suddenly and with a look of deathly rage, storms out of the restaurant. You aren't completely sure what happened or if she's coming back. She's probably not, however, considering you groped her with your right hand. Hope it was worth it.
Now you know.
