What if you were "sshh"ed by the girl at the gas station?

Man, look out, because today you are in for the "shh"ing of a lifetime. You will pull your SUV into the gas station and fill it up just like you do every week. You will be humming a tune from the band Chicago because you were listening to their greatest hits CD in your car. You'll decide to get a pack of smokes.

You walk in the door and walk up to the girl behind the counter.

"One pack of s-"

"Sshhh."

She'll say. She'll put her finger over your lips and stroke them down past your chin. She will smile at you will a look of wistful confidence, as if to say "Hey, it's okay."

You'll be annoyed because you just wanted to buy some freaking cigarettes. You will tell her this.

"Look, I just want-"

"Sshhh."

"But-"

This time she'll just press her fingers even closer to your face, as if she's trying to get your attention or something. She won't say the words, but it's a nonverbal sshh. You'll look around briefly to see what it is, but there won't be anything. It will just be her with that understanding smile on her face. You'll point at the cigarettes. You'll give her that "Hey, I just want some cigs, lady" expression where you raise a single eyebrow. She'll ignore you. After a while, you'll try saying something once more.

"You know, this-"

"Shhh."

She'll stare at you for a while, and you'll put up with this for only a little while longer. Eventually you will leave without your cigarettes. She will watch you with a wide-eyed expression as you walk out the gas station door and let out a barely noticeable sigh.

Now you know.

What if you had a false sense of efficiency?

Today you are going to try to keep your personal resolution to yourself to be more efficient, but everything you do will backfire.

First, you will try using your dirty laundry to wipe yourself after your morning dump. When you go to wash your clothes later, the colors will run. Next, you will try to save water and time by doing your dishes during your morning bath. Neither you nor your dishes will get quite clean, and you'll end up spending additional time bandaging yourself due to a few stray steak knives.

This pattern of failed efficiency will continue throughout the day. In fact, the only marginal success will come when you try to brush your teeth during your morning jog, but even this will result in you almost choking. The final straw will be when you try to cook a souffle while practicing sword swallowing. You will wait too long to take the souffle out of the oven, and remove your sword too quickly, just lightly slicing your internal organs in time to watch the souffle deflate.

You will sit there and sob softly on the kitchen linoleum.

"All I wanted was to be efficient," you'll say with soaked eyes.

It's a shame you were sitting there crying. You could have used that time to get something done.

Now you know.