What if you had a false sense of efficiency?

Today you are going to try to keep your personal resolution to yourself to be more efficient, but everything you do will backfire.

First, you will try using your dirty laundry to wipe yourself after your morning dump. When you go to wash your clothes later, the colors will run. Next, you will try to save water and time by doing your dishes during your morning bath. Neither you nor your dishes will get quite clean, and you'll end up spending additional time bandaging yourself due to a few stray steak knives.

This pattern of failed efficiency will continue throughout the day. In fact, the only marginal success will come when you try to brush your teeth during your morning jog, but even this will result in you almost choking. The final straw will be when you try to cook a souffle while practicing sword swallowing. You will wait too long to take the souffle out of the oven, and remove your sword too quickly, just lightly slicing your internal organs in time to watch the souffle deflate.

You will sit there and sob softly on the kitchen linoleum.

"All I wanted was to be efficient," you'll say with soaked eyes.

It's a shame you were sitting there crying. You could have used that time to get something done.

Now you know.