What if...you Literally Obeyed Your Thirst?

Thirst is a physical sensation that is triggered when the human body needs water. "Thirst" is not sentient and cannot tell you what to do. The nice man behind the bullet proof window keeps trying to tell you that, anyway, but you know better.

The other day, your thirst told you to kill your roommate Devon. You didn't really want to, but your thirst kind of talked you into it.

"Alright thirst," you said,

"Just this one time."

Now, you don't have any roommates anymore. They moved you to a different section of the hospital, ones with bars on the windows and televisions made entirely of plastic so you can't break the monitor and use the glass to slit the doctors' throats. The room is quite empty, except for the aformentioned television, a bed with no bars on it so you can't give yourself blunt head trauma, and a plastic cup of water sitting on a padded stool in the corner. They put it there so your thirst would have less of a bad influence on you. You like the company that your thirst brings, however, so you never drink the water.

At this point, the effects of dehydration are really starting to get to you. Your skin is very flush from the lack of water. The nurses don't know what to do with you. They want to hook up an I.V. to you, but you're surprisingly strong and don't want you to pull out the needle and impale them. Your thirst would totally tell you to do that, too. Your thirst is just hardcore like that.

You have to call for a hospital attendant if you want to use the bathroom. Usually though, you just shit on your hand and paint the walls Marquis de Sade style. Your thirst likes it better that way. Sometimes the smell bothers you, but lately you are too busy passing in and out of consciousness that you don't really notice it. If your thirst wants things that way, who are you to argue with it? Your thirst seems to know what it's doing.

Deep down you have a secret. Even if your thirst didn't pressure you into it, you probably would have killed Devon anyway, because Devon stole your last pudding cup, and you were really craving some chocolate. Don't worry, it's understandable. I won't tell anybody. Have you thought about killing more people yet?

Now you know.

You give me an idea...what if?

All of my ideas are rubbish, let's be honest. So I'm offering a new idea to you.

You give me an idea to write about, I'll look through the ones I get, pick the ones I like best, and use that to write my stories.

That's right. You, the reader, get to help me write my stories. Shoot away folks! You can post your what if ideas either in the comment section of this blog...or you can @ message me on my twitter account.

www.twitter.com/mrthejazz1

Trolling the onion part 3, the resume

In my last post, I said that I would show you the resume that I attached when I trolled The Onion editorial staff. Here it is:

Mr. Harry Wong (Ex Millionaire)

523 Broadway,

New York, NY 10012

212-627-1971 (Cell)

OBJECTIVE

My goal is to obtain a responsible position where my experience, accomplishments, and proficiency in wrestling all different varieties of bears in front of large crowds for the purposes of entertainment will allow me the opportunity for growth.

EDUCATION

Sven’s Large Animal Wrestling School Боровск, USSR (Now Russia)

M.A. Bear Wrestling

Graduated Spring 2008 4.0 GPA

Little Rock Community College Little Rock, AK (United States)

B.A. Jizz Mopping

Graduated Fall 2005 2.3 GPA

QUALIFICATIONS

1 Lit animals on fire during childhood.

2 Wrestled my dad on many occasions in youth.

3 Knowledge of Spanish

4 Can type 20 WPM

5 Frequent steroid user

6 Dresses like “Zangief” from Street Fighter

EXPERIENCE

2009-current Tex’s Rodeo and House of BBQ, Waco TX

Rodeo/Restautant

Bull Wrestler – Frequently risked life wrestling bulls both with and without clothing. Cuddled with bulls after whooping their ass.

2008-2009 McDonalds, St Michaels Church, WV

Restaurant

Burger Wrestler – Used spatula to wrestle multiple hamburgers on grill. Choked burgers into submission using clever combination of special sauce, pickles, and a sesame seed bun.

2005- 2007 At home

My Apartment

Unemployed – Spent the majority of this time jacking off.

REFERENCES AVAILABLE ON REQUEST. I CAN BACK THIS SHIT UP.

Trolling The Onion Editorial Staff, Part 2

I recently wrote an E-mail trolling The Onion editorial staff. If you want to read the entire post, you are welcome to go here. Otherwise, I've included the trolling letter in quotes. The basic idea was that The Onion has such a reputation for ignoring their E-mail, especially from wanna be writers that I figured that instead of trying to write from them, I'd just have fun with them sending silly E-mails. Here's what I wrote last time:

Subject:I'm legally required to tell you that my dead uncle wants to give you money

To the Editorial Staff of The Onion:

Greetings, my name is Harry Wong, and I am well aware of your reputation of not reading your E-mails, due to the high volume of junk mail and resumes. In fact, I am counting on this.

You see, recently, my late uncle Ted Albatross passed to the other side in the middle of reading your article, "Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims". He laughed so hard that he had a heart attack and died in his favorite lazyboy. My uncle Ted was quite well off, but nothing gave him more pleasure than opening up one of his many Onion anthologies or going online and reading one of your articles. He was so much a fan of your publication that he decided to leave all of his worldly possessions, including his Ford Coupe and mail-order bride, TinaLisa, to be divided among your on-staff writing team.

Fortunately for me, if the money is not accepted in two weeks, there is a clause that states the money instead will go to the executor of his estate (me).

I am quite confident that you will be far too busy driving around in your fancy Roles Royces and looking at your pretty Rolex watches to notice this single humble little E-mail, so I want to thank you in advance for your generous donation to the me fund. You have two weeks from today to reply to this.

Psh, good luck.

Sincerely,


Harry Wong (future millionaire)


P.S. That Jackie Harvey guy just cracks me up.

Two weeks have come and gone with no response, so it's now time to write them another E-mail! First, let's address this whole, "me being rich" issue.

To the Editorial Staff of The Onion:

I just wanted to thank you all again for your great generosity regarding my late uncle Albatross. You are all truly kind and/or neglectful individuals to allow a humble person like me to have all of that money even though he offered it to you. Already I have taken the Coupe out for many a joyride, and I had my dentist replace my teeth with diamonds. They're pretty awesome, except for when I bite my lip. Albatross's late mail order wife, TinaLisa, has been pleasuring me once a week per her contractual obligations, although I have to say she really doesn't seem to enjoy it. I believe that she was a little disappointed that she didn't have the opportunity to pleasure any of you, as she too is a great fan of The Onion. In retrospect, I think that's why uncle Albatross chose her. I can assure you his choice had nothing to do with anything "performance" related. She has all of the skill of a wet noodle. Still, normal, non-onion editors would probably be jealous, so props to you all on your self control.

And now let's talk about something else that The Onion hates. Applications. They hate it when people send their editorial staff resumes and writing samples...so...let's do that. But it has to be absurd to make it stand out. Bear wrestling will do.

I confess that the thank-you is not my only reason for writing you. I saw that you have a bear-wrestling position posted on your site, and they said to apply here. I am skilled in multiple types of bear wrestling, including grizzly, black, and panda. I have also eaten teddy grahams on multiple occasions, so I'm certain that you will see that I am highly qualified. I find it hard to believe that you would have a need for bear wrestlers, but then I'm not one to argue with your site.

I'm sure you find it strange that I'm applying for a job here when I just received a major windfall. Unfortunately, as of the time of this writing, I have all but lost the money, except for the diamond teeth, which I'd rather die than lose. You see, I am a bit of a compulsive gambler, and I bet everything I had against my friend Mitch that he couldn't shoot heroin directly into his eye. The sonofabitch pulled it off, and then promptly OD'ed. Now, neither of us have anything, as the money he won from me was directly used to pay for his doctor bills. He is now blind in one eye and paraplegic, but none of that matters because the bastard won the bet. He wasn't supposed to take me up on it, the stupid idiot.

Anyhoo, if you could help me out with that bear-wrestling position, I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm perfectly qualified, really hard up on cash now, and I know how to put on a real show, just in case the reason for the show is that you are all bored around your office. I have enclosed a sample of my bear wrestling resume as well for your further consideration. You can consider this letter your cover letter. Thank-you for your time, consideration, and money.

Sincerely,


Harry Wong (ex millionaire)


Enclosure

Stay tuned next time to see my "resume", and in the mean time, feel free to continue E-mailing The Onion about their bear wrestling position at this address: editorial@theonion.com