Wednesday, September 2, 2009

What if Disney purchased the rights to you?

It's a sunny, mostly normal day. You're up on your room reshingling your house.

"Come down from there."

You hear the voices from down below you.

"Who are you?" You say.

"We're with the Disney corporation. We have some news for you."

"If it would be alright with you, could you come back? I'm kind of busy reshingling."

They stay put. At first you ignore them, but after a few minutes, it begins to unnerve you. You hit your thumb with the hammer and howl out a curse in every language you know.

"Actually,"
Comes the response from below. "You aren't allowed to say that anymore."

Confused, you decide to finally come down and talk to them. One of them looks kind of like the creepy Nazi guy from the first Indiana Jones movie. The other has a lopsided mustache and is wearing a "I heart Mickey" shirt. You ask them for an explanation and they happily oblige.

"Disney just purchased the rights to you."
says creepy guy. "Anything you make, do, or sell is automatically our property. In addition, you can't do any violent actions or say any of the following words..."

The man lists every curse word known to man, including the "borderline" words like butt, fart, and "Walt-Disney the Jew hater." Then, he pulls out a branding iron and burns a giant "©" into your back, along with the phrase, "Property of Disney."

"Hold on," you say. "I already had myself copyrighted. I have the paperwork to prove it."

"That won't matter. By the time our lawyers are done with you, you'll be ours. After all, you do have a giant 'Property of Disney' sign on your back."

"Am I at least allowed to have sex?"

"Yes,"
They say, "But only if it is disguised as a rock concert."

As you follow the two men by leash into their truck, you imagine that somewhere out there in this small small world, there are people who once again, can show you the world and help you complete the circle of life. Bipitty, bopitty, boo.

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