What if Buying a cell phone makes everyone fall in love with you?

You're sitting in front of the ol' boob tube, and a new commercial pops up, one you haven't seen before. There is a guy buying a cell phone, and the minute he finishes signing his contract, a whole flock of beautiful scantily-clad women flock to him.

"Cool-O-phone. So you can talk to people, AND actually be liked."

You turn off the T.V. It's been three years since you've actually dated a woman. You run upstairs, shower, shave, and put on your newest Proclaimers t-shirt.

"Girls like rock band fans." you think. "It makes you look mature."

You drive down and purchase your own Cool-O-Phone® and instantly nearby women begin to migrate toward you. You invite three of them to ride home with you. When you arrive at your apartment, there's a whole crowd of people already there, but not just hot women, ugly women two, and a few guys. There's that horrible old disfigured lady who lives on the upper story of your apartment building. She hobbled down four flights of stairs to meet you. She's wearing that green floral dress that she hasn't worn for a good thirty years, but she brought it out just to meet you.

You know Gus, the cranky old guy who just sits on the stoop in his bathrobe and yells at cars all day? He's there too, just anxious to see you. He's the first of the crowd to see you. He runs to you with open arms and a wide smile. Soon, they are all charging at you, like heroin addicts on the verge of withdrawal.

You run a sharp turn and make a break for the back entrance to your apartment. Your roommate lowers a ladder a hoists you up in just the perfect moment. Once inside he locks the doors, shuts the windows, and calls the police to see if they can control the mob. You take a peek outside. The mob has grown, and now you can see even some police officers have joined the mob. On the bright side, the mob has pacified somewhat, and they all are singing songs of adoration to you.

"It's a good thing I got you out of there when I did." he says. "Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to save you."

He fixes you a glass of lemonade. You sit down on your futon and he hands you the lemonade and sits in the sofa across from you.

"Now I have you all to my self."

He stares wistfully and creepily into your eyes. He follows your face, even when you try to move.

"Cool phone." you say.

Now you know.